Racing and The Critics
Some gems from Ad Nauseam.
Racing
Derek:Good afternoon and welcome to racing at New Market, they're about to go into the stalls for the 3.30 so, over to you Peter.
Clive:Thankyou, yes, the seven runners for this first durex handicap over six furlongs, are just beginning to load up. That's the Poof, very much on his toes, and beautifully turned out, he really looked a picture in the paddock. And just coming into our picture is Vagina. Vagina is one of the two phillies in the race, she's um, vey good opening speed, and the overnight rain will have helped her. She likes it a bit soft underfoot. That's the Wanker, going into the stalls, steady performer, the Wanker but er, he tends to be a bit one-paced. Just going in is Buttocks. Buttocks, a big colt, blinkered for the first time. And there's our favourite the Prick, I think he would have preffered slightly firmer going um, and just going as the outsider of the field, the seven year old Asshole. Asshole, by shit out of bumhole, and he's been tailed off on his last three outings, a rather disappointing horse this. And one of the last to go is Big Tits who's um, carrying the top weight, steady performer, but um, I think the ten pound penalty will be a little too much for her this afternoon, she's safely in. Oh dear, the Prick, the Prick is raring up. He tends to get excited, a very, very excitable horse, I remember he had to be withdrawn at Lingfield. Yes they're going to put the hood on him, they're very good the handlers here at Newmarket. And now, a late show of betting.
Derek:Hmm, thankyou, the Prick is hard and half a point to 11:8, Vagina is threes, the Poof and Buttocks both 9:2. There's been some late money for Big Tits who's coming to join the Wanker on 8:1 and Asshole is 66:1.
Clive:Er, as expected, Asshole is the 66:1 complete outsider. And they're, they're, they're all in. They're under starters orders and they're off. Big Tits got a flyer and is the first to show. Asshole was slowly away and as they settle down it's Big Tits from Vagina with the Prick tucked in behind these two. Then comes the blinkered Buttocks being pressed by the Poof. Going steadily behind these five is the Wanker and trailing the field is Asshole. And as they start to climb the hill, it's Vagina who just shows clear of Buttocks. The Prick is close up third, nothing between these three. Big Tits is hanging slight to the left, tucked in behind is the Poof, still trailing the field is Asshole. There is the Poof again making a challenge to the Asshole under pressure but finding nothing. And as they race to the line it's Vagina being pressed by the Prick with the Poof making rapid progress trying to squeeze in between Buttocks and the rail. The Prick and Vagina, nothing between these two, and the Wankers coming with a late run, the Wanker is coming with a late run and Big Tits has dropped out of it all together. And with a hundred yards to go, it's the Prick and Vagina, drawing clear. The Prick and Vagina, stride for stride, left and line, it must be a photo, I can't seperate them but I think the Poof takes third from the Wanker and still to finish is the tiring Asshole. Well, one hell of a race. The Prick may just have got up in the last stride, but I, I wouldn't like to put my money on it. Now it's back to topless darts at Roehampton.
The Critics
Clive:One has to wonder,is why,artists, the calibre of Cook or Moore,
Derek:Yes
Clive:Should resort,to material which, which basically could be done by..
Derek:By me
Clive:By you, yes, and I, I mean,I don't think you saw the play, the other night on television, "No Man's Land", by Harold Pinter,
Derek:Yes, yes I did, yes.
Clive:Now Pinter uses these words,these I suppose to the general public, shocking words, but he uses them to effect
Derek:To punctuate his, his...
Clive:He punctuates his dialogue.
Derek:His drama, yes.
Clive:And when he uses the word "asshole", it means something
Derek:Exactly.
Clive:And er, "prick"-
Derek:Yes
Clive:and "cunt"-
Derek:Yes
Clive:Take on this sort of,of erm,
Derek:Well metaphysical sort of
Clive:Metaphysical punctuation which I find erm, lifeful. Specially with Gilford and er, Richardson, it's so, so absolutely terrific,but um
Derek:"Asshole", in Richarson's mouth, it comes out as em,
Clive:Pure gold
Derek:Pure gold
Clive:But with Cook or Moore, I mean, it's not the same. I mean "prick", in the hands of Pinter is, is as you say, a punctuation point, er, a marvellous moment, the end of an extremely witty line
Derek:Yes
Clive:Whereas, "prick" or "cunt" in the hands of Cook or Moore, it's gratuitous "prick" or "cunt".
Derek:One feels it's being abused
Clive:It, it is being abused. And I myself, cannot see why, in the civilised world, it is neccessary for people with um, certain amount of um, understanding, to use the word "prick", or "fuck", or-
Derek:"Cunt"
Clive:"Cunt", I mean I never have the slightest urge to use the word "fuck", do you? Do you ever say "fuck"?
Derek:I never say "fuck"
Clive:No, I mean, why the fuck should I say "fuck"? I've got no reason for saying "fuck".
Derek:I'd rather say "cunt"
Clive:No fucking reason to say "fuck"
Derek:Exactly. Who the fuck cares about "fuck".
Clive:It's absolutely stupid to say "fuck". I mean, what could be more stupid, than going around , the whole time saying "fuck" and "cunt" and "prick" and "asshole", "tit" and "bum", "shit", it's so stupid.
Derek:Exactly
Clive:I mean, I'm not going to go fucking hell, shit, tit, bum, asshole, because I don't need to.
Derek:Of course you're not.
Clive:What is the point, what is the point of saying fuck, shit, tit, bum, asshole, cunt, asshole, tit, tit, tit, cut your tits off, fuck, tit, bum, shit, no, there is absolutely no point in saying fuck, tit, shit, bum, asshole, cunt, prick, fuck, cock, penis, cunt, shit, fuck, prick, cunt. asshole, tit, bumhole, shit, asshole, bum, tit, bumhole, cunt, shit. There is absolutely no point whatsoever, no, there is no point whatsoever, in using these stupid words, for shock effect. And there, I'm afraid we have to leave um, Critics Forum, I'll be here together with, er, Sir George Mayplees, Sir George Maylplees and I will be here again for Critics Choice, same time, next Sunday, at 6 o'clock. I mean when I want to say fuck, I don't want to say radiator.
Derek:I don't want to say all of that.
Clive:I don't want to say radiator.
Derek:Do I want to say all the things I've just said?
Clive:Do you want to say radiator?
Derek:No I fucking don't! I do not want to say all of the things I have just fucking said.
Thanks goes to Sella-Gianot.