The Horn

Derek

Om, om om om omm...

Clive

I'll tell you something, er, that religious singing reminded me of something.

Derek

Ommmm...

Clive

Did you, did you see that, er TV coverage of the, er, the Pope when he was lying in state? The, the last Pope, you know, John Paul?

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

Lying in state? On that, on that catafalque?

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

In those robes?

Derek

Oh right.

Clive

Didn't half give me the horn, that. Him lying there. He looked so fucking vulnerable, didn't he? I mean, like, I cou, I couldn't prevent myself, you know, having a wank immediately 'cause he looked, he looked vulnerable, he looked at, at rest and, er, somebody had, er, gone to the trouble of plucking all that hair out of his nostrils. I didn't fancy him when he was alive 'cause he had all this fucking hair up his nostrils, but when they'd, er, when the cosmetician had had a go at his body and that...

Derek

Well, I get a, erm, he had a, you know...

Clive

I got the fucking horn.

Derek

Yeah! Well...

Clive

Just seeing him lying there.

Derek

The make-up was fantastic on that. Who done the-

Clive

But I imagine that, er...

Derek

Who done the wardrobe?

Clive

What, for the Pope's funeral?

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

Er, was it Verity Lambert, was it?

Derek

Was it Mr. Fish?

Clive

Mr. Fish or er...

Derek

Yeah, I don't know...

Clive

Or Mrs., could be Mrs. Fish that done it, I dunno.

Derek

Yeah, I dunno.

Clive

'Cause she does a lot of things.

Derek

It was bloody beautiful. But it's interesting it gave you the horn.

Clive

Well I find I'm, you know, er, I'm attracted by, er, dead Popes.

Derek

By dead Popes. Yeah.

Clive

And, er, you know...

Derek

I can understand that. I can understand that. It's enough to give you the horn. Anything gives me the horn, I find. I can, you know, I can look at anything. I look at, er, a picture of, er, of a, er, erm, a piece of, er, toilet paper, I get the horn.

Clive

You get the...

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

Well, it's a...

Derek

I get a very hard horn. I get a ve-I mean, not just the horn...

Clive

What, any particular... just Bronco, or just Andrex, or what?

Derek

Well...

Clive

Anything in particular give you the horn?

Derek

No, I don't distinguish, I don't distinguish. Anything.

Clive

Anything gives you the horn, does it?

Derek

Anything gives me the horn. I'm very lucky that way. Except my wife Valerie. She doesn't give me the horn at all.

Clive

No, she's an ugly bitch, isn't she?

Derek

I've explained to her, time after time. I said, "Val," I said, "fuck knows what it is, love, but you do not give me the horn." I said, "You fucking don't give me the horn!"

Clive

I'll tell you what...

Derek

But everything else gives me the horn. I went down, I opened the gate, that gave me the horn, I, you know, put my foot on the pavement, that gave me the horn.

Clive

Yeah.

Derek

You know, everything gives me the horn.

Clive

Yeah.

Derek

I like that.

Clive

Lord Longford gives me the fucking horn.

Derek

Yeah, oh yeah.

Clive

Well, it's the way he does his hair, you know.

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

Really gets me going.

Derek

Yeah, oh yeah.

Clive

I see him wandering about.

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

He's so fucking fanciable, that Longford.

Derek

Oh fucking hell mate, I tell you...

Clive

I mean, I wish I was in prison for life...

Derek

Drives me round the bend!

Clive

I wish I'd killed a few people, I wish I was in prison.

Derek

So he could come round...

Clive

I wish I was a mass murderer.

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

And I was in prison so Lord Longford could come round and give me the horn.

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

Like he, like he gives other people, you know.

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

'Cause I only see him in 'photos, and on telly and that,

Derek

Yeah, yeah...

Clive

But in the flesh I imagine he must be fan-fucking-tastic.

Derek

Oh, that's right mate. You, you strip a man...

Clive

I mean, you think of that lucky girl, Myra Hindley.

Derek

You strip a man down to his bare essentials mate...

Clive

Sat in there, he's coming round on daily visits to see her.

Derek

Hmmm. I bet he gets - I wonder if he gets the horn?

Clive

I'll tell you another thing gives me the horn.

Derek

What's that?

Clive

The word "and".

Derek

Oh, "and".

Clive

Whenever I see the word "and" in a book...

Derek

You've picked a favourite of mine there.

Clive

I get so fucking horny.

Derek

Oh, fucking "and" mate. Ohh, Jesus. Don't I - there's such a lot of it about, there's such a lot of it about.

Clive

Yeah. "This and that" you know...

Derek

Fucking "AND this AND that AND that..."

Clive

"This" gives me the horn, "that" gives me the horn...

Derek

And "that" gives me the horn, oh fucking Jesus...

Clive

If I see a sentence which reads "this and that" I get such a fucking hard-on I dunno what to fucking do.

Derek

Oh, fucking "and" mate... I'd, I wrote to the Editor of the, er...

Clive

"The" is another one gives me the horn.

Derek

Oh, "the"! Oh, come on... Have you been...

Clive

They keep using that one, don't they?

Derek

Have you been reading my diary? Have you?

Clive

Yeah, I was looking through it, you know. I saw "the", "and"...

Derek

Well fuck me, I don't think that's very nice.

Clive

No, it wasn't, what I read was...

Derek

You saw, you saw my secrets.

Clive

Yeah, I saw that one about...

Derek

You knew that I liked "the" and "and".

Clive

Yeah, I knew that. That's why I mentioned "the" and "and" to see if it would give you the horn, and of course it has.

Derek

Of course it has. ...Oh fuck...

Clive

But you wrote to the - who did you write to about this?

Derek

I wrote to, well I, I sent a, I sent a, a round robin.

Clive

Yeah. That's no fucking good, why didn't you send a letter?

Derek

Well, I sent a letter later.

Clive

What, with the robin?

Derek

No, I sent Robin, and then that, you know, it didn't do fuck all, so I sent a letter.

Clive

That's robbing Peter to pay Paul that is, it's just fucking stupid, why didn't you write a letter?

Derek

I did write a letter.

Clive

Instead of sending some round fucking robin.

Derek

I sent Robin round because I thought that would be the way to do it.

Clive

What, Robin had the letter?

Derek

No, I just sent Robin round!

Clive

Well, who was Robin going round with and where the fuck did he go round to?

Derek

He didn't go round nowhere, I just sent him round!

Clive

Round where?

Derek

He came back, he said "Where the fuck am I supposed to go?" I said "I don't fucking know, I sent you round, why don't you fucking go round?"

Clive

Why didn't you send a letter?

Derek

(muttered) Cunt.

Clive

Well, have you sent a letter?

Derek

I did send a letter, yes.

Clive

Who to?

Derek

I don't know! I don't know, I sent a fucking letter, I wrote the letter and put it in a pillar-box, I don't know who I sent it to!

Clive

What, you didn't put a stamp on or and address it or anything like that?

Derek

No! Fuck that, waste a stamp?

Clive

Well why don't you follow what John Cleese says on television?

Derek

I do.

Clive

He says in order for post to get there, he comes out with all these handy fucking hints! He says put a stamp on the letter, and address it.

Derek

Oh, fuck that mate.

Clive

That's what I've been doing since I've seen those ads.

Derek

Fuck that. Write the letter and bung it in a fucking post-box.

Clive

What, with no address?

Derek

No address.

Clive

Well, did you get a reply?

Derek

(indignant) No! I was fucking furious. I wrote another letter.

Clive

What, the same method?

Derek

Yeah. That got no fucking reply again! The cunts! They're all cunts out there!

Clive

I wrote to Mrs. Thatcher.

Derek

Yeah, well...

Clive

I said, "Dear Mrs. Thatcher," You know, respectful, "Pardon the language, but I've got the fucking horn." (Dudley giggles) And, you know, I thought I'd put it bluntly. "Dear Mrs." I didn't call her Maggie, I wasn't familiar. I said, "Dear Mrs. Thatcher,"

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

"I have got the fucking horn, and I want to know what you, as leader of the Conservative Party, plan to do about it." You know, ah, I was expecting a reasoned reply of some kind.

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

Well, I get a fucking letter come back, saying:

Derek

"The whore not known at this address."?

Clive

No.

Derek

Oh.

Clive

It said, er, "Mrs. Thatcher has read your inquiry with interest, but it will not be part of official Conservative Party policy, though we are sympathetic to your cause." Well, in my view she hadn't even read the fucking thing.

Derek

Right.

Clive

I mean, some fucking secretary looked at it.

Derek

Yeah. Yeah, right.

Clive

I wrote to Jim Callaghan...

Derek

Tossed it on one side, if you'll pardon the expression.

Clive

I wrote to Callaghan. That oily heap of shit. I didn't call him that, you know,.

Derek

No no no.

Clive

I called him, I said,"Dear Sir".

Derek

You didn't say "Dear oily piece of shit," did you?

Clive

No.

Derek

Oh, thank God for that.

Clive

No, 'cause that would offend him. He's teetotal and Welsh and that... no, he's not Welsh is he? He's just a cunt of some kind. I forget where he comes from, somewhere.

Derek

Yeah, well we all do.

Clive

I wrote to, er...

Derek

We come from the horn, mate. All of us... All of us.

Clive

I wrote to Jim Callaghan, and I said, I said "Dear Mr. Callaghan,"

Derek

Yeah-he-heah, go on.

Clive

(slowly and deliberately) "I have got the fucking horn, and I want to know what the fucking hell the fucking Labour Party are going to do about the fucking horn?" And I got absolutely no fucking reply, he's probably huddling with the T.U.C.

A drink is poured.

Derek

What's that?

Clive

I did, er-er, quite a good experiment for, er, BBC2, they're doing a documentary.

Derek

Oh... What, on the horn?

Clive

Yeah, on the horn. And, er, the documentary people came round, you know, with the cameras, and at first I was a bit self-conscious, you know, like having cameras on you the whole fucking time.

Derek

Oh, yeah, well fuck that mate. Fuck 'em.

Clive

And they said "Lie down on the bed."

Derek

Fuck 'em! They've all, they've all got the horn.

Clive

They said "Lie down on the bed, we want, we're doing this documentary on masturbation, you see."

Derek

Yeah, fucking dirty cunts.

Clive

I said "Don't call it masturbation, like it is, call it wanking."

Derek

Call it the horn.

Clive

"Call it wanking, call it having the horn and wanking." I said. But they insisted on calling it masturbation, you know, 'cause on BBC2 they have to use long fucking words.

Derek

Yeah, fucking cunts.

Clive

And I forget who was the producer, Xavier Cugat or something like that...

Derek

Radio 3, BBC2...

Clive

Yeah, all that stuff...

Derek

Fucking...

Clive

They said "Lie on the bed and," er, erm, er, "masturbate." And, erm, I said, er, "What is my motivation?" and, er, he said, er, "the". And as soon as he said "the"...

Derek

You're off.

Clive

I started yer pumping away, you know, and it all came out, you know, a great mass of it, and...

Derek

Yeah... What, endless, endless gobs...

Clive

No, no.

Derek

Huge gobs of, of, of, hot sperm spurting...

Clive

Well, let's face it...

Derek

...endlessly in, into the air, was it?

Clive

Quite a lot. And it all landed in me belly-button.

Derek

In your hair.

Clive

And they said "That's...", and I was just going to get a Kleenex, you know, and wipe it out, and they said "No! Hold that, hold that, that's good, we like that."

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

"We like that."

Derek

Fucking right they do, yeah.

Clive

"It's very visual, you see, very visual." They said, er, "Could you do that again, 'cause we have, we've got a hair in the gate." I said "Fucking hell, you've got a fucking hair in the gate, you're fucking professionals?" They said it could happen to anyone, get a hair in the gate.

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

So I had to do the whole thing again. And he said "the" again.

Derek

Oh, what...

Clive

And I wanked away for half an, you know, about half an hour, 'cause I'd only just come. And then he said, erm, I said "Is that all right?" You know, I came, and they said "No, we can't buy that one." I said "Why not?" and they said "'Cause you fell short of the belly-button."

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

I said "Well fucking hell, what do you expect second time around?"

Derek

Should have got me mate, I can, I can come, ah, I can come every five minutes. I just, ah...

Clive

Well, I sent them round to your place! I told Xavier Cugat or whoever was in charge of the fucking crew, I said "Go round to Derek's place! He'll give you a proper wank and hit his marks." ...I wrote to the fucking BBC after this experience with them, you know, coming in my navel then falling short and then them all pissing off...

Derek

Well, they're cunts, they are.

Clive

No, they're cunts at the BBC. They drank all my Guinness.

Derek

Yeah, fuck. What the fuck do they know about the horn?

Clive

They drank all my Guinness.

Derek

What do the BBC2 know about the fucking horn?

Clive

Nothing.

Derek

Fuck all!

Clive

I said to them, "Go round to Derek's place! He'll show you! He'll show you..."

Derek

Yeah, I'll show you mate.

Clive

And I wrote a letter to them, I said "Dear", I wrote to whatever the fucking name is, the editor of the fucking BBC...

Derek

"Dear Cunt."

Clive

Yeah, that's what I said.

Derek

That's it. Yeah. "Dear Cunt."

Clive

I put "Cunt, London" on. I knew that would find them.

Derek

Yeah, "Cunt, London". "TV Centre." "Cunt, TV Centre."

Clive

No, not even "TV Centre". You don't have to put "TV Centre". "Cunt, London", and it reaches the Director-General of the BBC, you can be certain of that.

Derek

Yeah. Fucking cunt.

Clive

So I said to him "Dear Cunt,"

Derek

Yeah-he-heah...

Clive

"Your fucking crew came round my fucking place last night and tried to film me fucking masturbating."

Derek

Right.

Clive

"And I did it perfectly well the first take and I said they'd got a fucking hair in the gate, and I'm paying twenty-five quid a fucking year to have a fucking colour licence and this is the fucking service I get!" And I said "If we have any more Joyce Grenfell repeats I'll come round to the TV Centre..."

Derek

And beat you to death with the fucking horn!

Clive

"And beat you to death with my horn!"

Derek

Yeah, I'll get my fucking horn out and beat the whole fucking TV Centre down!

Clive

And what reply did I get?

Derek

I'll fucking raze it... with my knob!

Clive

And what reply did I get? "Dear Sir, we thank you for your inquiry,"

Derek

Cunt. What a fucking...

Clive

"And we regret to say that we are unable to bring it into BBC2 planning this coming year, but we'll bear it in mind."

Derek

Fucking hell. You see you don't...

Clive

So I sent round... "Bear it in mind", get the sarcasm of that.

Derek

Yeah, what a cunt.

Clive

The subtle sarcasm of it. "Bear it in mind."

Derek

Bear it up your arse mate.

Clive

Yes, precisely.

Derek

Bear your arse.

Clive

You know that, ah, big nigger who lives down the road?

Derek

Oh him, yeah, ooh, lovely.

Clive

Huge black cunt. I said, I said to him, I said, erm, "Ephraim," strange name, isn't it, for a black, I said, "there's a load of cunts at the BBC, and they need sorting out." I said, erm, "This should appeal to your fucking primitive urges." I said, "You like cannibalism, don't you, you like eating people alive in a frying pan." I said, "Go round to the BBC with some of your mates, dressed up in your loincloths and that, and, er, paint yourself up in different colours, you know, whatever you cunts do back in Africa." And so he said, er, "Ooh, that's nice that." And he, he said "What do we do when we arrive?" I said, "Go berserk, tear the fucking place down"...

Derek

"Spunk all over the fucking Centre."

Clive

"Spunk all over the Director-General, and, er, kill everyone in the studios." You know, and, erm, he was all, you know, he got about forty of these coons gathered together to rush round to the BBC, and I was, you know, I was really looking forward to it. I was looking, I was looking forward to tuning in into the news that night and seeing the news on the BBC that the BBC had been burnt to the fucking ground.

Derek

Forty thousand.

Clive

I turned on the nine o'clock news and there was Kenneth Kendall, calm as a cucumber...

Derek

Yeah, wait...

Clive

No story about anything fucking burning down!

Derek

No. Hold on...

Clive

And do you know what the cunt black nigger pouf cunt said when he came back?

Derek

No...

Clive

He said "I'm sorry, I couldn't find it."

Derek

No!

Clive

"I lost my way." he said. "Lost your fucking way," I said, "more likely wanking down Lambeth." ...Kenneth Kendall gives me the horn.

Derek

Oh what?

Clive

Kenneth Kendall.

Derek

Oh blimey. Kenneth. Oh, you know. ...I wish I didn't get the horn so much.

Clive

I... wish I didn't... of course.

Derek

Because my knob aches.

Clive

One day... one day, you know, when you're... when you're very old... you won't get the...

Derek

My knob don't half ache...

Clive

You won't get the horn any more.

Derek

I'll tell you...

Clive

And then when you don't get the horn you'll say "I wish I had the horn." That's what you'll say.

Derek

I have to say to Valerie, "I can't do it, I've got knob-ache." And she says, "Like fuck you have, you cunt." I say, "I have, I've got knob-ache."

Clive

What does she know about it? She's a woman.

Derek

Well, she's, ah...

Clive

Has she got a knob? Ha-who's she to fucking talk, has she got a knob?

Derek

Well, she ain't got one of those...

Clive

Put that question to her! If Valerie ever says to you, if ever quest...

Derek

Hey, wait a minute.

Clive

She has.

Derek

She has.

Clive

Here, now I remember that.

Derek

Fucking hell, she has!

Clive

It's a huge knob, isn't it?

Derek

Yeah. Fucking hell, I forgot, she has a knob. Valerie has a knob.

Clive

Has she had it as long as you've known her, or is it just a sudden thing?

Derek

No, come to think of it - which I do - she's had it, erm, she's had it ever since we got married. Oh, I'll have to go and see Valerie about her cock. Maybe she's got the horn?

Clive

Well, you could probably, on the, on the Health these days, you could probably have her knob, er, er, increased.

Derek

(concerned) Oh, I don't want it increased.

Clive

You get a supplementary benefit.

Derek

No, I don't want it increased. It's... No, no, no...

Clive

You want it reduced?

Derek

No, I...

Clive

Well then you have to fill in a lot of forms to get it reduced.

Derek

No, I'll just have to get used to it really.

Clive

But couldn't you get tax relief on an unemployed knob?

Derek

Probably.

Clive

Well I should go into this with your accountant down the, down the cycle shop.

Derek

Yeah... Oh, that gives me the horn.

Clive

What, the cycle shop? Yeah.

Derek

Yeah...

Clive

I tell you, when they set those wheels spinning... oh, fucking hell...

Derek

Oh... you see, I see, I look into that and I think "that's beautiful". The way those spokes move round. And I get the horn. Looking at that. I think I'm going to wank myself to death.

Clive

Well, I was saying earlier, I was saying earlier, interesting you've mentioned that, that when you get very old...

Derek

Oh, don't...

Clive

You won't, you won't get the horn.

Derek

Oh, don't.

Clive

At all.

Derek

No.

Clive

And you'll be sitting in this room.

Derek

Oh, frankly, when I...

Clive

And you'll be looking at books and trying to look at the word "and" and "the" and you won't get the horn at all.

Derek

Frankly, when I don't get the horn, that's when I take the pills.

Clive

What, you'll, er...

Derek

'Cause that gives me the horn.

Clive

What, taking pills?

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

Suicide gives you the horn, does it? Yeah, I get a bit excited by the idea of, of suicide.

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

Gives me the fucking horn, the thought of lying there dying, you know, with all these pills and knowing you're not quite strong enough to get to the phone and ring a doctor.

Derek

Oh, my knob don't half ache.

Clive

Yeah, I think of that and it gives me the fucking horn. I imagine Keith Moon had the horn when he, he was dying. That's probably why he took all those pills, like, wasn't it? (Dudley giggles) So he'd get the horn through thinking of dying. But of course he overdid it and went and died... But being dead probably gives you the horn as well. I imagine when you're dead you have the horn... solidly. For ever and ever and eternity.

Derek

Well... I hope that...

Clive

I imagine God's got the horn, don't you? He's probably got a huge prick on him, hasn't he?

Derek

Well, he's fucking wanked all over the world for a good two thousand fucking years mate.

Clive

Yeah, he's probably got the horn continuously.

Derek

Probably a terrible wanker.

Clive

Seraphim and cherubim continually do cry. And why do they continually cry? 'Cause they've all got the fucking horn up there.

Derek

Yeah, fucking knobs aching up there mate. Continually crying with knob-ache.

Clive

Yeah.

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

I'd like to meet Ezekiel and have a few words with him.

Derek

Yeah, he's got...

Clive

What a fucking load of crap he wrote.

Derek

Yeah, he's got a lot to answer for.

Clive

Leviticus? What a cunt.

Derek

Cunt. Eroditus? Get fucked.

Clive

Eroditus?

Derek

Leviathan, shove it.

Clive

Leviathan, was he, was he a gospeller?

Derek

I don't know.

Clive

No, he's just some cunt.

Derek

They just give me the horn.

Clive

That's what I get.

Derek

That's all I fucking care about, is the horn mate.

Clive

Oh.

Derek

I live by the horn.

Clive

The book of fucking Rev-

Derek

I shall live... and die for the horn. That's all I'm interested in, is the horn.

Clive

I wrote, I wrote to the, the Council of Churches. And I said, "This fucking Bible, especially Paul..."

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

I said, "This fucking Bible really gives me the horn." And, er, I wrote, you know, civilly to them at the World Council of Churchills, I wrote, "Dear cunts in charge of religion," you know, familiar, friendly, "Dear cunts in charge of religion, your fucking guidebook or whatever the fucking thing is don't half give me the horn." (Dudley laughs) "I get fucking horny, especially on Saint Paul." And I got no reply whatsoever from that. Cunts, no wonder church attendance is dropping off.

Derek

No wonder, everything's dropping off.

Clive

You know like it says in the Bible...

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

That, er, that Jesus, on the whole, was, you know, fairly nice.

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

Do you think that's true?

Derek

No, I think he was probably a cunt.

Clive

Yeah, I thought that, 'cause, you know, I've, I've read the Bible, and he comes across so well, you know...

Derek

Yeah, well, he comes across a bit too goody-goody, doesn't he. I mean, he must have had his faults.

Clive

I reckon, I reckon...

Derek

He probably got the horn a lot.

Clive

Well, if he didn't get the horn, then... he wasn't human, was he?

Derek

No. Right.

Clive

And they say he was half human and half God.

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

But which half was human? I bet it was the bottom half.

Derek

Hmm.

Clive

The God bit was on the top and, er, the human bit had the horn.

Derek

Right.

Clive

I bet the God bit stopped at his navel.

Derek

Hmm, hmm.

Clive

And he had the human horn bit underneath.

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

So he could be wandering around feeling all nice and saying "I'm God" up here, you see, but down below... I suppose his hand would be below, wouldn't it?

Derek

Depends.

Clive

His arm would start off as God and then become man as it reached about the wrist.

Derek

Probably, yeah, the wrist.

Clive

So he could be wanking himself silly, all the time his brain was saying he's being, er, good and holy, you know. What a load of fucking cobblers that is, isn't it? But there was one bit of the Bible I, erm, think was cut out.

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

Er, it was just after the Devil had been tempting him.

Derek

Oh yeah...

Clive

And, er, the bit that was cut out said, er, "And Jesus suddenly..." No, it said, "And lo,"

Derek

"The Devil had the horn."

Clive

No, no it said "And lo, Jesus suddenly got the horn and wandered out of the Garden of Gethsemane and fucked himself stupid for twenty-eight years." And that bit got left out. 'Cause, erm, I think it was Matthew thought it would be a bad idea, bad for the image.

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

When of course, in my book, it makes him more understandable.

Derek

Oh yeah, makes him more human. Oh, well that's wrong, isn't it? Yeah.

Clive

No, makes the bottom half human, that's normal.

Derek

Yeah, yeah.

Clive

And the top half God.

Derek

Yeah. Yeah.

Clive

They say his right hand didn't know what his left hand was doing.

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

I know what his left hand was doing, the same as his right hand.

Derek

Yeah.

Clive

Fucking encouraging the horn.

Derek

Scratching, mate.

Clive

But they don't, they cut bits out of the Bible, like it never says Jesus got athlete's foot.

Derek

Well, they never gave...

Clive

From wandering around in the desert.

Derek

Does it ever say...

Clive

Does it mention it? Does it say "And lo, Jesus was stricken with athlete's foot."? Is that in? No, it's fucking out, 'cause it doesn't fit in, does it?

Derek

And does it ever say...

Clive

With a picture of this holy cunt wandering round telling people to be good.

Derek

Does it ever say "And lo, Jesus had a wee-wee."?

Clive

No.

Derek

No. Nowhere.

Clive

Are we to assume that Jesus, throughout his brief life, never had a piss? And if, if he did have a piss, why wasn't it fucking reported? Did he have a crap, why wasn't it down? Why didn't Paul say "And Jesus went into the temple, had a piss, had a crap, wiped his arse with the money-changers" and, er, put in all the stuff which would make him human instead of all this shit about saying "Take up thy bed and walk" to some cunt who's probably perfectly happy begging?

Derek

Right.

Clive

Makes you fucking sick.

Derek

Well, he's probably been, he's probably been, er, misreported. When he said "Take up thy bed and walk," he said, "Where's the fucking bog, I'm dying for a slash!"

Clive

Yeah, that's what he probably said.

Derek

That's probably what he said, not take up thy bed and fucking walk.

Clive

But he'd have said it in Hebrew, which is difficult...

Derek

Who, who, I mean, who would have said that? "Take up thy bed and walk", it's a, it's a give-away. "Where's the fucking bog, I'm dying mate!" That's what it was.

Clive

"Love thy neighbour as thyself."

Derek

I think, I think...

Clive

Or more, "Love thy neighbour, I don't half fancy her too" and rushing round for a quick one. (Dud laughs) He was a human being.

Derek

Oh, well, you can't blame him, can you?

Clive

No, of course you can't.

Derek

He had an image, he had an image made. He had, he had to, you know, preserve it. Just think of it.

Clive

But he gives me the horn.

Derek

Yeah?

Clive

Jesus. Those pictures of him.

Derek

Oh, he doesn't, no, he doesn't give me the horn. I'd forgotten about him, actually. Valerie and, you know, Jesus both... Maybe it's that beard she's got.

Clive

Has it ever struck you that Valerie might be Jesus?

Derek

Fucking hell!

Clive

Have you seen the sudden, the sudden interconnection?

Derek

Hey, wait a moment.

Clive

This connection?

Derek

The beard...

Clive

Jesus doesn't give you the horn, Valerie doesn't give you the horn, they both have beards...

Derek

And they, and, and Valerie's got a knob. Valerie's got a... oh...

Clive

Jesus had a knob.

Derek

Fucking hell, you've got me...

Clive

Does she pin herself up on a cross every now and then?

Derek

Well...

Clive

Of course she, of course she does, I've got a Polaroid of that.

Derek

Well, it's a, it's, I though it was just a thing she had.

Clive

Nah, she's obv, you've obviously married Jesus.

Derek

Ooohhh.

Clive

Who's come back in the form of Valerie.

Derek

Ooohh, that's... Blimey.

Clive

Well, you'd better...

Derek

I feel like... oohh... that's, that's given me the horn.

Clive

But Jesus...

Derek

(excited) I've got the horn, do you realise, I've got the horn!

Clive

But you don't get the horn for Jesus or for Valerie.

Derek

No.

Clive

But the thought of Jesus being Valerie gives you the horn. Well that's proof, isn't it.

Derek

Yeah... Fucking hell.

Clive

Two in one and one in two, flush 'em both down the loo... I think Valerie is Jesus. If so... you're in schtuck mate.

Sung to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

Derek

Oh, fucking hell,
I've got the horn.
Oh... I've... got... the... horn.
(spoken) Everybody.

Clive

(spoken) He's got the horn.

Derek

(spoken) He's got the horn.

Clive

(spoken) He's got the horn.

Derek

(low) He's got the horn.
(high) He's got the horn.
(low) He's got the horn.
He's got the horn.
He's got the horn.

Clive

(spoken) Yeah, he's got it, he's got the horn all right.

Derek

He's got the hoooorn,
He's got the (high) hooooooooorn.
He's go-o-o-o-ot the horn.

Clive

(spoken) He's got a fucking stalk on him.

Derek

He's go-o-o-o-ot the horn,
Heee's got the horn,
Heeee's got the horn,
He's go-o-o-ooot theeee-eee-ee horn.

Both

He's got the horn, he's got the horn.

Derek

He's got the horn, he's got the horn.

Clive

(spoken) No, I haven't got, I haven't got the horn...

Derek

He's got the horn, he's got the horn.

Clive

(spoken) I haven't got the horn.

Derek

He's got the horn, he's got the horn.

Clive

(spoken) No, can't you see it, I haven't got the fucking horn.

Derek

(climactic) He's got the horn!

Clive

(spoken) I haven't got the horn.

Derek

(spoken) Nor have I.

Thanks goes to James Kew, wherever you are these days.